What happens when you’re not afraid of failing, but afraid of not living up to expectations? That’s something I’ve been asking myself recently as I try to grow as a content creator. Every time I feel like talking about something I like, or want to try something that I’m passionate about, something in the back of my head keeps me from trying it. And it’s not because I’m scared of failing. Honestly, failing is something I’m used to. Rather, I’m scared that if I try something, that I won’t live up to expectations. And that’s not restricted to what I do. I also realize that when it comes to interactions with others, I’m scared that I will somehow make a bad impression.
And that’s the basis of why I’m hesitant to try new things or meet new people. I’m not sure how I would handle people being disappointed, especially when they’ve had high hopes for me. That’s why I’m hesitant to say that I’m struggling. I’ll always pretend that everything is okay just so others can have a better opinion of me. And while that is okay in the short term, it always backfires in the end. My insecurity always gets the better of me, and I try to take on more than I can handle just to prove that I’m reliable.
So where does that put me? Well, unable to enjoy anything I do. I often feel like in order to be proud of what I do, I need to be more successful at it. And when you couple that with my ADHD masking, I often get drained faster than usual. And it has lead to a cycle of burnout that I’m struggling to find my way out of. The struggle of trying to keep up with appearances as well as balancing my own happiness is something that I often don’t talk about.
The fear of being inadequate is something we all struggle with, but we often forget that just because someone is good at something doesn’t mean they can’t struggle with inadequacy or imposter syndrome. And that’s where I’m finding myself currently. Being able to focus on myself without worrying about how others will view it is something I’ve been working on. But ultimately, as long as we have to justify everything about ourselves, then that worry will never go away.
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