Shackles of the Past

Hey, MisWired here. And today I want to talk about something different. It still has to do with mental health, but not entirely. So, I've been thinking about my past experiences and how they have affected me. As I started taking serious interest in my ADHD and Bipolar, one thing I've realized is that I've allowed the criticisms of my past to hold me back. I allowed the fact that people felt that I was never living up to my potential guide my decision making. Somehow, I felt that if I didn't try too hard, and flew under the radar, then people wouldn't expect too much from me. But the thing with that, I ended up keeping myself from doing anything or trying anything new. And funnily enough, it would have kept me from writing this blog, or even becoming a writer. I know that sometimes our past teaches us valuable lessons, but it can also become a jail for some of us. Like for me, I believed that to be a valuable addition to society, I had to act a certain way, talk a certain way, and basically change everything about me that made me unique, including hiding my diagnosis. So when you think about it, the criticism ended up hurting me more than making me stronger. Though nowadays, I try to be open about my struggles and how I feel, but I still struggle with it unless it's with someone I absolutely trust. Yet, despite all that, and the fact that I basically undersold myself for close to nine years, not only to others, but to myself as well, I still managed to make something of myself. Despite dropping out of university after five years and currently having no interest at the moment of going back, and trying my hardest to keep my emotions under check, to the point of suppressing them, learning what works for me has been my biggest challenge. And because of that, I've had to let go of things I've believed about myself due to things that have happened in the past. And it has been a journey learning to un-learn the pain I have held inside and deconstructing the walls that I had built in order to protect myself. In hindsight, trying to fight my battles alone due to the fact that I couldn't bring myself to trust anyone around me since I couldn't tell whether they were genuine or not, the person who ended up hurting the most was me. I let the things that people didn't like about me dictate who I became and what I did. And for someone who is dealing with a mental disorder and is highly emotional, that's the last thing that I needed. As I embark this new decade, all I can say is, don't let your past decide who you'll become. People will never fully understand you, even if they spend every day with you. Also, don't hide your true self, as that is what most people want to see. Uniqueness is what the world needs today, people who are willing to stand out, even if people criticize them for it. But don't go overboard, as too much of a good thing can be bad. Anyway, hope everyone has an awesome year, and I'll love to hear what you're up to.