A Decade of Why

Hey, MisWired here. And today, I've decided to look back at the decade that was. And the thing I've noticed about it is that I've asked myself multiple times why. From the time I graduated high school in 2012 to the end of the decade, all I could ask myself is why I am the way I am. The thing is, despite being told that I have massive potential, both in academics as well as musically, I never seemed to actually realize it. I know that I have ADHD and Bipolar, but I always felt that I should have been able to do better despite that, and ended up falling into a tailspin because of that. Anyway, I ended up lasting five years in university, which people could say was a success, but I ended up feeling like a failure. Yes dropping out was my decision, but I'm supposed to be smart, why couldn't I do well? Even when I considered doing things that are outside of the academic realm, such as singing or even writing, I never felt like I was good enough to take them to the next level. Even when I was around friends, I always asked myself why the liked me, why they kept me around, and why they put up with me. I always felt inadequate and inferior, to the point where I felt like my opinions didn't matter. I always felt like I was a very genuine person, and tried to accommodate everyone, but the more I think about it, I may have come across as disingenuous. That, coupled with my two hospitalizations, made me feel like I didn't understand a lot of the things that my age mates were doing. As the decade went on, I started thinking about a lot of what I did, how I viewed myself, and how others viewed me. One of the things that I realized, and I've talked about it before, is the fact that I allowed my insecurities and reservations to dictate what I did. I had plenty of opportunities to expand my musical knowledge, or at least I think I did, and as a writer I come up with a lot of interesting ideas, but I always sell myself short. I constantly second guess myself, and if I'm not sure that what I do will be received favorably, then I would rather avoid it. This also spread to my social life, where I would rather avoid making new friends, or even conveying my feelings to someone I like, because I already felt like everyone was out of my league. Things like this made my friend circle extremely small. All in all, the decade was a very meh decade for me.